I am a therapist for 10 years. Here are 9 things people want most in life — and how to get them

I spent years in therapy waiting for a therapist to ask me what I wanted. Nobody has done it before.

So I distracted myself with small desires and big obstacles, pursuing some of what mattered to me while stopping myself in myriad ways. I attached myself more to burdens than possibilities.

Finally, tired of feeling helpless, I became a psychotherapist to better understand the human experience. Based on 10 years of practice, I have found that there are nine things people want most in life:

Love can be abstract and it can be concrete. It could be the act of snuggling. Say the words “I love you.” Or not saying the words but knowing they are felt. It’s about showing up and calming people down. Or let them help us.

But even when we have loving relationships, we can get so familiar with them that we forget to notice them. Allow for some magic and fondness. What is small is still important.

When people’s opinions of us conflict with how we want to be seen, we feel alienated and isolated. But in order for others to understand it, we must first understand ourselves.

Think about your signature, the mark that makes you who you are, inwardly and what you show to the world. Wherever you go, whatever you do, there is a thread of continuity.

Never stop thinking about what it means to be you. It’s a lifelong chase.

There are times when the desire for power is beautiful and life enhancing. But when our craving for power is an attempt to make up for a lifelong deficit, we can meander between bloated visions of glory and a tumult of despair.

Embrace flexibility and moderation. Power is not about controlling others. It’s about authenticity and power. Stepping into your power can be your way of claiming adulthood and taking responsibility for your choices.

“I haven’t looked my kids in the eye for a very, very long time,” someone confided to me in a moment of profound discovery. “I was so angry with life, I forgot to notice this beautiful creature you created.”

More and more, observing her children helped her feel less hurt. Caring for them in a deep, harmonious way healed something for her. By really seeing it, she felt less deprived.

To feel more fulfilled, focus on an activity or topic that is important to someone you love.

For a teen, freedom may mean no curfew. For an adult, that might mean limiting your own working hours.

Ask yourself what kind of freedom you want. The freedom we sought when we were twenty is not necessarily the same freedom we have at sixty. Set the terms and conditions of your obligations.

If you insist, you can enjoy creative moments every day just by being observant and curious.

Express yourself imperfectly. Change your view on an issue. Take on something new and bring out something personal. Try something new.

At times, you may feel alienated and discordant. But if you feel comfortable being completely yourself, you can experience non-belonging more easily, even with glee at times.

It’s about being safe in all that you are, even in the awkward, clumsy, and weird moments – especially the ones! If you’re just trying to fit in, you’ll lose true belonging.

“I’m happy with myself. You did it brilliantly. Well done to me. A 55-year-old man once said to me, “I see I’m good at doing this, and I’ve done an excellent job.” “This looks like a win.”

Think about what “winning” means to you. The definition changes and the rules differ. Respect your successes, no matter how small.

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